WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seven days of refusing to explain how he will pay for the $500 billion student loan handout, President Biden finally revealed his plans to fund debt forgiveness while also combatting climate change by opening up his hand and showing the press three magic beans.
The president claimed he was given the magic beans by a Chinese magic merchant in exchange for a couple microchip patents, a handful of nuclear codes, and Nebraska.
"Listen Jack, these magic beans are gonna do everything I pledged to do since on the campaign trail as a young tike in the racist south," said Biden to a group of journalists trying desperately to keep up with his brilliant elocution. "We're gonna reduce carbon admissions with a tall bean tree that'll reach to the heavens, where a giant protects a pot o' gold big enough to pay for all student debt forgetfulness."
The Washington Post's Taylor Lorenz then asked the president if his brilliant, foolproof plan was going to be enough to stem the tide of climate change killing billions of people everyday, including herself.
Biden sagely responded, "Before today, there was nothing we could do about all those deaths caused by neo-semi-wannabe-quasi-ultra fascists and their racist cardboard emissions. But these magic beads brought us hope for the future."
At publishing time, Biden had eaten the beans.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: