WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joe Biden has announced that he will be replacing liberal Justice Stephen Breyer with Ketanji Jackson when he retires. Biden added that they will not be holding Supreme Court nomination hearings as has been done in the past, since we already know her race and gender.
"What else do you need to know about her? She's black and she's a woman," said Biden explaining why no hearings are being held. "That answers everything we could possibly want to know about her. Come on, man!"
Sources claim that Biden hopes to avoid drawn-out days of hearings and heated news coverage when we could just skip all that and confirm her immediately. "We don't even have to wait for Stephen Breyer to retire, we can just confirm her now as far as I'm concerned," Biden added.
"Look folks, I don't know how to make this any more clear. The woman is black. We've never even had a female Justice, much less a black on the Court," said an exasperated Biden. "We already know she will be the most stunning, trailblazing, glorious, and visionary Justice of all time."
Several critics have pointed out that such pivotal appointments should be made by carefully considering all possible candidates instead of making selections based on arbitrary attributes assigned at birth. At the time of publishing, all such critics had their bank accounts frozen and were outed to their employers as virulent racists.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
