COBRA ISLAND — In a prudent move to mitigate the effects of inflation on everyday families with the last name of "Biden," President Joe Biden sold a million barrels from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves to COBRA, enemy of American freedom and nemesis of the G.I. Joe team.
COBRA narrowly outbid lesser offers for the oil from Dr. Evil, The Decepticons, and China.
"This is a great day for COBRA and for the world," shrieked Cobra Commander from atop a shimmering metal stage decorated with Hunter Biden paintings, while his army of COBRA Troopers and Crimson Guard cheered. "I now have the power to prevent Duke, Snake Eyes, Ted Cruz, and the rest of those imbeciles from meddling in my plans for world domination."
When asked whether selling much-needed oil to an evil regime full of violent contempt toward the United States was perhaps a bad move, President Biden responded with a long story about when he was a child soldier fighting the dingo armies of the Sahara Desert for decades using nothing but the pocket knife his grandpa gave him after sitting him down and telling him black lives matter.
At publishing time, Cobra Commander had used the million barrels of oil in an elaborate scheme to contaminate America's supply of essential oils while simultaneously launching his own line of uncontaminated essential oils, thus luring in an unstoppable army of stay-at-home moms to help him take over the world.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
