U.S. — As this year's presidential campaign heats up, sources say President Biden is making a greater effort to tout some of the biggest accomplishments of his administration. In a speech given today, he proudly announced he had eliminated all junk fees for illegal migrants staying in luxury New York hotels.

"Folks, we got it done! As of today, not a single Somali, Iranian, or breakfast taco will be charged a single unfair hotel fee for the duration of their stay, which will likely be at least until after the November election," said Biden to a crowd of rapturously cheering journalists. "The American people can rest easy knowing that unhoused persons of other-than-legal citizenship status are sleeping in 5-star establishments for free. Vote for me in November!"

His announcement, which was later played on the news in the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria, was positively received by a group of Ecuadorian gang members who briefly stopped beating the hotel clerk with clubs to cheer for the President. "Hahaha thanks for the free rooms, you stupid Americans!" said a grateful Los Lobos ringleader Domingo Zambrano to reporters.

"This is a great first step, but we have much more to do," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. "Soon, we will eliminate junk fees from the free Uber rides we're giving migrants. President Biden will do this all by himself because of how smart and sharp he is."

At publishing time, Biden had announced that migrants would now be given free hot towels during their free airline flights to strategic battleground states ahead of the election.

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