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Biden Offers Anyone Who Votes For Him A Seat On The Supreme Court

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden is being criticized for buying votes after he unveiled a new plan to give anyone who votes for him a seat on the Supreme Court.

"Anyone who votes for me will be appointed to the highest court in the land," he said in a speech Monday to seven riveted rally attendees. "One vote = one seat. It's that simple. That's how it used to be in my day. We'd gather around in the town square and everyone would vote on whether to allow a new general store or saloon. The person who got outvoted, well, they got run out of town on the back of a goat. It was a real hoot. Gosh, I miss those days."

Many say this is a clear case of court-packing. Not so fast, says the media. "Actually, this is just court rebalancing," wrote every single journalist on Twitter simultaneously. "See, conservatives have gotten more picks in recent years, so adding 60-70 million seats to the Supreme Court is just correcting an imbalance."

Since Biden is up in the polls, the Supreme Court has begun renovating its building to accommodate the new justices, with SCOTUS annexing Newfoundland to house them all.


NOT SATIRE: What does the Supreme Court have to do with your religious freedom?

Everything. Protecting your rights means confirming judges who will uphold the Constitution, including religious liberty, America’s First Freedom. That’s why our Founding Fathers protected religious liberty in the first two clauses of the First Amendment. Because when you lose freedom of conscience—the freedom to believe in a power higher than government—you risk losing all of your other freedoms, too.

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