WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference today, Biden assured the world that he would get every American out of Afghanistan. When asked how he would do this, he explained that on the pull-out date of August 31st he will simply revoke the American citizenship of every American who hasn't shown up at the Kabul airport yet.

"Voila! An elegant solution! Knock on wood, no malarkey!" he said to a stunned press. "If you haven't fought through 12 checkpoints of terrorist thugs and shown up at the airport by the deadline, I guess you don't want to be an American! Boom! No American left behind! Real simple, Jack!" 

Biden then began hitting on a female reporter in the front row before forgetting where he was and walking aimlessly into the crowd.

"Hooray! A truly elegant solution!" the corporate press all said uneasily as Biden was ushered off stage by a team of handlers.

The Taliban issued a statement in response, saying "LOL."