WASHINGTON, D.C. — Out of an abundance of caution, the White House confirmed Thursday that President Joe Biden had been fitted with a muzzle to prevent him from biting any more babies. This comes one day after a bizarre incident in which the president bit several babies at a White House Halloween event.
According to sources, Joe Biden told one child he was so adorable "I could just eat you up" and then proceeded to do so, horrifying dozens in attendance. The entire incident was caught on video.
Secret Service eventually intervened after parents complained.
Norma Higson, a mother in attendance, claims to have been mortified by the president's behavior. "I wanted to show off his cute little Harry Potter costume and the president, out of nowhere, started biting his arm off!" she sobbed. "He needs his arm!"
The White House has been running damage control in the wake of the incident. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre claimed the incident was "taken out of context" and that the president has "been very clear about how much he loves babies." This statement prompted Fox News reporter Peter Doocy to say, "How much he loves eating them, you mean." Jean-Pierre responded by calling the statement out of line and unprofessional.
"This is just a misunderstanding and, frankly, I think it's being blown out of proportion. It's MAGA gaslighting and it's irresponsible," the press secretary said. "But to assuage the concerns of the public, and to prove he is a president for all Americans, the president has agreed to wear a muzzle."
At publishing time, sources confirmed the president has been sent to live on a nice farm upstate where he could roam free and bite whoever he wanted to.
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