WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a recent press conference, President Joe Biden recounted a harrowing tale from his family's past: the time when his uncle had his heart ripped out and was sacrificed during a mysterious ritual in India.

Biden somberly recounted the gruesome events, describing how his uncle had been lured into a dark temple deep in the jungles of India. With a furrowed brow and a trembling voice, Biden detailed the scene.

"There he was, my uncle, standing before a group of chanting priests with strange, twisted faces," Biden recounted, his eyes misting over with emotion. "And then, in an instant, they reached into his chest and pulled out his beating heart."

As gasps filled the room, Biden continued his gruesome tale, describing how the next thing he knew, his uncle was being lowered into a pit of molten lava, somehow screaming all the way down. His uncles' squadmates barely survived, Biden claimed, after narrowly escaping a collapsing rope bridge and also dodging a big round boulder.

"Seriously folks — not a joke!" Biden insisted, his hand placed solemnly over his heart. "And if you don't believe me, then I'm not a Professor of Archaeology."

At publishing time, Biden's face had become grim, his gaze piercing through the camera lens as he warned the press you never know what dangers lurk behind those ancient stone walls.

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