WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Biden Administration has announced they will be withdrawing forces from Afghanistan this year. After 2 decades, America's troops will be given a brand new, far more important assignment: guarding the Capitol Building in D.C.
"We need more troops in D.C." said Biden. "The Capitol is a big building full of important people, and we need to guard it against the rising tidal wave of white supremacist MAGA terrorism that is taking over our country. This is a very real threat that is not made up at all."
"Let's bring home all the pony-soldiers in Applestan!" he continued.
Troops brought home from Afghanistan will be given 2 weeks of r&r before being relocated to stand guard in D.C. around the clock.
The administration estimates that 80,000 troops will remain in D.C. for anywhere between 1 and 37 years. They will be provided with porta-potties and MREs, and will not be allowed to go inside any of the buildings or interact with the very important politicians.
Other troop duties will include taking Biden for the occasional walk, filming carjackings on their phones, and fetching coffee for visiting dignitaries.