WASHINGTON, D.C. - By executive order today, Joe Biden has banned all high-capacity assault stairs. Any stair with over 30 steps is considered high-capacity and must be reduced to the California-style, 11-step version, with lower clearance and high-friction padding to reduce the chance of fall and injury.

"Stairs are a menace on our society, and no one should have the right to assault others with difficult-to-climb stairs," he said. "You know right now in America, stair manufacturers can't be sued. That's a fact. And anyone can buy a set of assault stairs with no background check in our country. That's malarkey."

Biden was referring to the off-cited "stair show loophole," which is a myth, as all stairs sold in the country are, in fact, subject to rigorous background checks.

At publishing time, Biden had also called for a ban on military-style assault dogs, who are known to trip up innocent bystanders and the occasional president.