WASHINGTON, DC — People across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as President Joe Biden used his State of the Union address to assure the American people that Ukraine is making tremendous progress and is stronger than it has ever been before.
"These are uncertain times," Biden said to the assembled members of Congress and other national leaders. "While many people struggle to make ends meet due to inflation, the price of basic goods like eggs has skyrocketed, and crime is running rampant in our streets, I want the American people to know that Ukraine is in a tremendous position of strength. Unicycle."
Amidst growing economic instability, public unrest, and controversy surrounding international incidents such as China floating a spy balloon across the country, the Biden administration is dedicated to putting Americans' minds at ease by continuing to shuttle tens of billions of taxpayer dollars overseas to keep the Ukrainian government running and fuel its war effort against Russia.
"President Biden is committed to putting the needs and concerns of American families first," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in a statement following the State of the Union. "That is why our administration will continue to send our citizens' money and billions of dollars' worth of advanced military weaponry to Ukraine."
At publishing time, President Biden was in talks with congressional lawmakers on both sides of the aisle to further uphold his promise to protect and defend the United States by implementing state-of-the-art security measures along the Ukrainian border.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!