WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move aimed at tackling one of the most pressing issues facing the next generation, President Biden has unveiled his latest executive action: a plan to eliminate late fees for Blockbuster movie rentals.
Addressing a crowd of enthusiastic supporters outside a dilapidated Blockbuster store, Biden declared, "It's time to right this historic wrong and bring justice to the millions of Americans who have been unfairly burdened by overdue VHS tapes."
Under Biden's plan, anyone who has ever suffered the indignity of shelling out $5 for returning Titanic a few days late will receive a full refund, paid for in full by your fellow taxpayers.
"But I never rented Forrest Gump or Terminator 2 and racked up massive late fees!" said one frustrated American citizen. "Why should I have to foot the bill for your inability to slide a VHS tape back through the mail slot?"
"Late fees are a relic of a bygone era, like dial-up internet and affordable groceries," said Biden. "It's time to drag Blockbuster into the present-day 19th century and eliminate fees once and for all."
At publishing time, Biden had announced he would also court young voters by pledging millions to rebuild soda fountains and begin hosting monthly White House sock hops.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
