WASHINGTON, D.C. - Working with the Pentagon and the National Guard, the Biden transition team successfully prevented a military coup this week by deploying the military to take over the city.

"We have successfully prevented the military from taking over by taking over with the military," said Joe Biden at a press conference this morning. "Now, we are safe from a military takeover. I've seen a lot of military takeovers in my day, you know -- all the countries that black guy and I bombed together. He was a nice, clean, articulate guy. What was his name again? Jerry? Barry? That's right, it was Barry. Smart guy, Barry. Did I mention I have a black friend?"

He continued talking even as a shepherd's crook crept in from behind the curtain to yoink him off stage.

"Anyway, I was walking around with a pineapple on my head, which was the style at the time -- hey!" He was interrupted by the crook and pulled behind the curtain so Kamala Harris could finish the speech for him.