WORLD — Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command "Sing unto the Lord a new song" in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.
"God Almighty had really hoped the songwriters he had gifted in the creative arts would do better than they have," said spokesangel Gabriel in a statement to reporters. "I mean, we understand we're definitely spoiled with the truly astounding and unspeakably beautiful music we are blessed with in Heaven, but here on earth…‘Good, Good Father?' Really? We don't need to hear 'It's who you are' repeated 1800 times. And please don't even get me started on 'Oceans.' What on earth does that song even mean?"
"Do better, humans."
Heaven's accompanying press release also expressed exasperation from the Creator of All Things that popular worship acts like Hillsong and Bethel insist on making up their own brands of theology when He literally gave them an actual book full of information and attributes about Himself as a guide.
"This news is obviously a bit discouraging," said singer/songwriter/hymn-paraphraser Chris Tomlin when reached for comment. "This is why I shy away from writing my own new material and stick to taking really old, popular hymns and adding bridges and extra choruses."
At publishing time, the Alpha and Omega was reportedly willing to give the songwriters of humanity another chance (as is His habit) before ushering in the End of Days and pouring out His righteous anger upon the entirety of the post-1900 worship song catalog.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
