Best Christmas Gifts For Christians Of Each Denomination
Christian Living · Dec 15, 2023 ·

Christians can be hard to buy gifts for. You've gotta know what they're into, what kinds of gifts they'd consider sinful, and most of all, what denomination they're a part of. There's no holiday faux pas like accidentally gifting a John MacArthur book to a charismatic. Avoid embarrassment this year by following our handy guide to which Christmas gifts Christians of each denomination will be most pleased by:

  • Baptists: Tupperware for casserole storage - best complemented with a diabetes test kit.
  • Pentecostals: A Duolingo subscription for translating all those confusing tongues. They'll definitely say Gracias! to this one.
  • Universalist Unitarians: Nothing since there's no God and life is meaningless and we're all just atoms dancing to the random firing of synapses in our brains. Pair with a nice card.
  • Calvary Chapel...ites: A 6-foot-long fold-out Rapture chart.
  • Catholics: A bumper sticker that says "Miss me yet?" with a picture of Pope Benedict.
  • Eastern Orthodox: Gift subscription of Jeremy's Razors.
  • Russian Orthodox: Folding chair.
  • Presbyterians: 48-pack of a rich imperial stout at 12% ABV - he'll be so appreciative as he polishes this off in one night while reading Calvin's Institutes.
  • Episcopalians: Mannequins to fill up those empty church pews.
  • Anglicans: Shirt that says "I got 99 problems but a Pope ain't one."
  • Lutherans (good kind): Give them a note telling them to go outside. When they look up, a plane is skywriting the entire text of Luther's Bondage of the Will in the heavens. Maybe also a fruitcake.
  • Lutherans (gay kind): A gospel tract.
  • Methodist: The ghost of John Wesley in a box. Upon opening he will haunt them until they return to the old ways.
  • King James Only believer: An expensive, leather-bound copy of The Message.
  • Member of a Church of Christ: An ornate, handcrafted, gold-plated pitch pipe.
  • Megachurch-goer: Annual priority church parking pass.
  • Attendee of Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church: A Bible.

That exhausts all the Christian denominations that exist. Or our writer just got tired because it's almost the weekend. One of the two. Anyway, hope this helps!

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