GLORY — The afterlife of one of the world's most prominent religious figures got off to an awkward start today, as Saint Peter reportedly asked the newly arrived Francis if he could have his pope hat back.
Witnesses said the uncomfortable interaction occurred just after Pope Francis approached the pearly gates, with the revered Simon Peter allegedly confronting him to ask for the return of his special papal headdress.
"Would you mind handing that over to me, bruh?" Peter reportedly asked. "I'm sure you've taken good care of it for me, but… you know… I'd appreciate it if I could have it back. First pope over here. Thanks."
Angels present for the conversation said the most recent pope was caught off guard by the abrupt request made by the original pope. "Ah, yes… the hat," Francis replied. "Well, you see, Peter, this tiara was custom-fitted for my head. It's rather unlikely it would suit you. Many things in the Church have changed since you left, sir. I'm rather fond of the hat, honestly. I like it better than the little white beanie thing they had us wear most of the time."
Other heavenly dignitaries allegedly intervened after Peter stepped up closer to Francis, hoping to diffuse the situation. "It looked like it might get heated," a spokesangel said. "Hopefully, things cool off a bit. Peter tends to be a bit of a hothead."
At publishing time, there were new reports of tension after Francis noticed Peter's "World's Best Pope" coffee mug.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
