Health
Authorities Horrified At Woman Who Killed Baby With Meth Instead Of Traditional Brain-Sucking Device

HANFORD, CA—Authorities are looking for a woman who gave birth to a stillborn baby with toxic levels of methamphetamine in his system. "This is a complete horror," said Hanford Mayor Carl Eggburn. "She didn't even use calipers to rip the child to pieces like a decent human being."

"We have methods in order for this sort of thing. Like this brain-sucking vacuum. Why reinvent the wheel?" said Hanford superintendant Mario Waldorf. 

Police obtained a murder warrant for the woman's arrest. "We couldn't really decide if this was murder or not because it was an unborn baby and all," said Sgt. Cornlock of Henford P.D. "We decided to do a coin toss. Heads, it's no biggie, tails, MURDER." The coin landed on tails. 

"What she did is disgusting," said local doctor Margaret Helborn. "She spat in the face of the abortion industry."

The mother remains at large and is wanted for the first-degree murder of an unborn child without using a government-sanctioned murder tool.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There are 3 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.