Authorities Horrified At Woman Who Killed Baby With Meth Instead Of Traditional Brain-Sucking Device

HANFORD, CA—Authorities are looking for a woman who gave birth to a stillborn baby with toxic levels of methamphetamine in his system. "This is a complete horror," said Hanford Mayor Carl Eggburn. "She didn't even use calipers to rip the child to pieces like a decent human being."

"We have methods in order for this sort of thing. Like this brain-sucking vacuum. Why reinvent the wheel?" said Hanford superintendant Mario Waldorf. 

Police obtained a murder warrant for the woman's arrest. "We couldn't really decide if this was murder or not because it was an unborn baby and all," said Sgt. Cornlock of Henford P.D. "We decided to do a coin toss. Heads, it's no biggie, tails, MURDER." The coin landed on tails. 

"What she did is disgusting," said local doctor Margaret Helborn. "She spat in the face of the abortion industry."

The mother remains at large and is wanted for the first-degree murder of an unborn child without using a government-sanctioned murder tool.

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