BRONX, NY — A Bible class for kindergarteners was interrupted Sunday when Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst through the door and informed the five-year-olds in attendance that Jesus was a fascist. The children reportedly left the classroom in tears.
The class was in the midst of learning how to sing "Jesus Loves Me" when the congresswoman kicked down the door.
"Can't you hear what you're saying? 'They are weak, but He is strong' is a fascist dog whistle!" AOC said, according to witnesses. She then regaled them with the horrors of the holocaust in great detail.
"What is face-ist?" asked five-year-old Tommy Phan.
"It's like a vanilla Nazi," AOC explained. "And Nazis are like a fascist with sprinkles. Get it?"
"No — "
When confronted with questions AOC began explaining the plot of Saving Private Ryan.
"And it turned out Matt Damon was Private Ryan the whole time!" she told a crying child, whose name has not been released to the press. "Do you want Jesus to kill Matt Damon? I don't think so!"
Volunteer teacher Deborah Sloan initially asked AOC to leave the classroom, but Ocasio-Cortez quickly shut down the teacher by revealing that she was a very smart socialist Congresswoman.
"Something tells me Jesus would not establish a church to make fascism look benign," Ocasio-Cortez later tweeted, defending her actions.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
