CHAPEL HILL, NC — The American flag was defended from crazed protesters by a group of University of North Carolina fraternity brothers who have now been identified as Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.
After feeling that their message of hating Israel and America was going unheeded, the pro-terrorist protesters on campus decided to do something that would make Americans more sympathetic to their demands: take down the American flag. That was when heroes Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan decided to step in and put a stop to this assault on the nation's symbol of freedom.
"We're not heroes, bro, " said Dylan as he changed into a new pastel-colored shirt. "We were just doing what any red-blooded American would do when the Stars and Stripes are under attack."
"Those loafer-wearing guys with swoop haircuts protected Old Glory?" asked local mechanic Ben Johnson when told about the heroics of Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan. "I never thought I'd say this about any man wearing Lacoste, but we need more Dylans in this country."
At publishing time, two more fraternity brothers in the photograph had been identified, named Dylan and Dylan.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
