MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Former vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz has just made a groundbreaking announcement, stating in a press conference that he has just re-enlisted in the National Guard and requested deployment to Iraq after spending two harrowing weeks with Kamala Harris.
"After careful consideration, I have decided to re-enlist in the armed forces and seek deployment to somewhere — anywhere," said Walz. "I'll go to Iraq, for real this time. I will go to any war zone you want. I'm begging you."
Though leaving the ticket after only two weeks, campaign staffers report that Walz actually set the record for the longest time any person has ever worked with Kamala. "Most people don't make it twenty-four hours with that woman. Walz really hung in there," said aide Mandy Donaldson. "Twelve days was the previous record, and that guy was deaf. This is actually my last day, I just got a new job as a janitor at a slaughterhouse. I can't wait."
According to sources, Walz has called his former fellow soldiers and issued a heartfelt apology. "Please…take me back," whimpered Walz. "The horrors I have lived through these past two weeks, I do not think I will ever recover from. I'm so sorry I ever left you guys."
At publishing time, Tim Walz had volunteered to go walking around searching for land mines if it meant immediate deployment.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
