KENOSHA, WI - After hearing the arguments and reviewing the video evidence, Judge Schroeder has asked defendant Kyle Rittenhouse for his autograph and a selfie.
"E-excuse me, m-mister Rittenhouse, sir, but can I maybe have your autograph?" said the judge nervously while looking down at his shoes. "I'm just a huge fan and I thought maybe I could take a picture too, if that's ok with you."
Sources in the courtroom confirmed that Rittenhouse then signed Schroeder's copy of the Constitution and took a selfie with him.
"What a great kid," the judge was later heard saying. "A really impressive young man. Few people are so brave as to defend entire cities while dispatching communist pedophiles and sending them to their final judgment. Haven't been this excited since 'Nam."
He then did a little salute to the flag and hummed Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" quietly to himself.
Progressives responded with outrage, and are demanding Judge Schroeder be replaced with a fair and balanced Communist judge.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
