ROANOKE, VA — After local grandmother "Granny Mabel" liked a "Make America Great Again" minion meme on Facebook, she noticed an immediate increase in traffic on her rural one-way street. Sources confirm that her suspicion grew when a flower delivery van, plumbing van, and cable company van all parked across the street from her residence, despite her not having called any of them.
"The styles come and go so quickly these days – three different vans, but all those boys have matching crew cuts and wraparound sunglasses!" Granny Mabel described what she saw while peering through her blinds during her weekly phone call with her grandson.
The names of the companies printed on the vans were reported to be "Fast Business Internet," "Flowers by Ivan," and "Totally Real Plumbing Business."
"She admired the new, clean vans, but I became concerned when she remarked that they were all driven by military-age males talking into earpieces." Granny Mabel's grandson Nick spoke to reporters, confirming that his grandmother's street only has 3 neighbors in a 5-mile radius, making the uptick in activity especially notable.
At publishing time, there had been a knock on grandma's door, and she had invited over 17 "nice, young men" in aviator glasses in for cookies.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
