WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a the wake of yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump, leading Democrats across the nation announced they would observe the long-standing tradition of a five-minute pause in calling Trump "literally Hitler".
"This is a time for healing, reflection, and lowering the temperature. Specifically, five minutes' time," said Representative Hakeem Jeffries. "Ugh, this five minutes is killing me. Has it really only been thirty seconds? Time passes so slowly when you're not calling someone Hitler."
The coordinated pause began immediately after politicians had finished copying and pasting their public statements from the last assassination attempt against Trump. "We condemn political violence of all types, et cetera. Now, someone tell us when we can start calling Trump 'Hitler' again," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "The shooter didn't actually get that close, so should be no more than five minutes. If Trump had actually been shot, maybe we could be talked into ten minutes. Maybe. It's a big ask."
At precisely the five-minute mark, normal operations resumed. "Phew. Well, with that behind us, I think can we now all agree that Trump is a dangerous fascist who should be stopped by any means necessary," said Jeffries. "To be clear, for legal reasons, I am not explicitly saying he should be assassinated. I'm just saying he's actually Adolf Hitler and someone should stop him."
At publishing time, a few moderate Democrats had proposed extending the pause in Hitler-calling to a full seven minutes to "restore decency to political discourse."
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