YOUNTVILLE, CA — Just hours after California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency to slow the spread of the monkeypox virus, he was photographed attending an orgy at The French Laundry, the same upscale restaurant where he dined during the COVID lockdowns last year.
"It is vital that while we have limited amounts of the monkeypox vaccine, Californians cease from orgies that will spread this dangerous disease." Governor Newsom spoke to members of the press, with eyewitnesses reporting that he seemed agitated and hurried, saying "I really have to somewhere to be – can you peasants wrap up your complaining about the orgy shutdown so I can get going?"
The French Laundry became a lightning rod for criticism of Governor Newsom in 2020, when he flouted his own COVID lockdown rules by dining maskless, indoors, and in close proximity to other people, though defenders have noted that he dined with important Democrats rather than ordinary peasants. Governor Newsom came under fire again when a similar photo came to light last night, capturing Newsom "engaging in egregious acts of an orgious nature" during the first night of the state's orgy shutdown. Reporters have asked why someone was taking pictures from a low angle through the slats in the window, but the photographer has not responded to requests for comment.
"The French Laundry only has one orgy per year," said Newsom in his defense when he was later questioned by reporters. "Am I just not going to go to the one orgy French Laundry has every year? Come on! I'm only human!"
At publishing time, Congresspeople breathed a sigh of relief that Newsom's orgy took the heat off of the D.C. coke orgies reported by Madison Cawthorn.
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