MOUNTAINS OF ARARAT — In the tenth month after the great flood, Noah and his family shouted for joy at the sight of a Buc-ee's gas station sign emerging from the water.
To be certain, Noah released a dove and became overjoyed upon its return. "I now know the waters are low on the earth for, behold, the dove hath returneth to me with the Beaver Nugget," Noah said as tears welled up in his eyes. "The Lord hath delivered us unto Buc-ee's."
Now it came about in the six hundred and first year, in the first month, on the first of the month, that the water was dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and behold, a Buc-ee's gas station in all its glory. And Noah went forth, and his sons, and his sons' wives with him: every beast, every creeping thing, and every fowl, and whatsoever creepeth upon the earth, after their kinds, went forth out of the ark into the world's cleanest bathrooms.
"Man, I really had to go," spake Shem.
And Noah built an altar unto the Lord, rejoicing for the great blessing of Buc-ee's. And he set up a heap of stones as a memorial to the day the ark landed at Buc-ee's, and it is there to this day.
At publishing time, Noah built a vineyard and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside Buc-ee's prompting security to remove him from the premises.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
