WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly crowned Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy wasted no time fulfilling his promise to free the House Intelligence Committee from members caught up in lying or sleeping with Chinese spies, Representative Adam Schiff being chief among the affected members.
But Rep. Schiff had barely had a chance to mourn the loss of a position that allowed him to use top-secret information to propagate lies for his own advantage when he heard the heartwarming news that he had been given a seat on the House Pencil-Neck Committee.
"It brings me great honor to be a part of such a respectable institution," said Schiff to reporters alongside other committee members with observable physical and moral weaknesses. "It may not be the Intelligence Committee, but that doesn't not mean we aren't any stupider. I vow to serve with honor on the pencil-neck committee, and look forward to serving in my other new position on the watermelon-head committee."
Schiff and committee members then put themselves to work preparing a place they could meet by cleaning out the spare janitor's closet found deep in the bowels of the Capitol building.
The move to allow an openly dishonest man on any committee at all was not without its score of critics among House Republicans. However, Speaker McCarthy adroitly silenced the dissenting voices by reminding them that Adam Schiff had been elected by his constituents despite his dastardly, underhanded double-speak, just like every single other member of the House.
At publishing time, Rep. George Santos had been added to the Pencil-Neck Committee after claiming to have seen Trump receive a briefcase full of Russian collusion from Putin himself.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.