NEW YORK, NY—ABC News has been praised as a bastion of journalistic integrity and in-depth reporting after being the first ones to air authentic footage of a 164-foot-tall radioactive dinosaur rampaging through Syria.
The footage, dubbed "Slaughter in Syria," shows the monster, named "Gojira" or "Godzilla" by people screaming in the video, rising from the ocean to attack coastal cities throughout the region. Desperate locals try to fend off the monster with depth charges, a huge electric fence, tanks, and fighter jets. But mostly it doesn't work and they just scream a lot.
Some experts believe we created the monster through too much nuclear testing and some drone strikes and feel we should study the monster. As these experts were opining on the matter in Syria, Godzilla appeared again and destroyed them with his atomic breath.
"Here we can see the harmful effects of Trump's actions in the region," said an anchor grimly. "May God have mercy on us all."
Fortunately, at the last minute, the US military returned and used a weapon called the "Oxygen Destroyer" to defeat the monster for good.
ABC News reporters warn, however, that Godzilla may return to Syria soon to fight other monsters, most notably in a disappointing attack in 1998 and pretty cool attacks in 2014 and 2019.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.