WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after a catastrophic incident involving a sailing vessel belonging to the Mexican navy, President Donald Trump held a press conference to declare war on Mexico for its flagrant attack on the Brooklyn Bridge.
A somber Trump met with the media to address the grave state of affairs and emphasize the historic significance of the sneak attack and the immediate impact it would have on the U.S. and the entire geopolitical landscape.
"Saturday was a day that will live in infamy. Or night. It happened at night, I'm told," Trump said solemnly. "Our nation was struck by the full might of the Mexican navy. Our beautiful Brooklyn Bridge was hit suddenly and without any warning by a dastardly sneak attack. Never before have we faced an incident so catastrophic. Maybe once or twice before, but not many. Because of this brazen act of aggression, I am hereby declaring war on Mexico — or, as I like to call it, the soon-to-be 52nd state. Right after Canada."
When asked if there was any room for diplomacy to ease tensions and avoid war, Trump was resolute. "They started it, and we're going to finish it," he said. "This type of attack can only be intentional and highly premeditated. Nobody accidentally runs a boat into a bridge. That would be ridiculous. Nobody is that stupid, even Mexico. They'll never do it again, believe me."
At publishing time, reports indicated that Mexico had already mobilized its 103rd Burrito Battalion to prepare for the coming retaliatory onslaught from the U.S. military.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
