LONDON — The British government awarded its coveted "Women's Empowerment Person of the Year" to 8-year-old Muslim child bride Aisha Malik.
Newly minted Prime Minister Andy Burnham congratulated Malik on her tremendous accomplishment, stating that having her innocence horrifically stolen by a 40-year-old Muslim man is what every British girl should dream of.
"This is the face of women's empowerment in Britain," said Burnham, pointing to the terrified girl with her face covered in black. "What better picture could there be of how the United Kingdom values the dignity of women? Young Aisha here left her home at just age seven to start a new life with Mohammed Malik, a noted austere Palestinian terrorist. While most girls are just enjoying 3rd grade, Aisha literally got married and joined the ranks of the resistance fighters. Talk about empowerment!"
Onlookers cheered as Malik took the award and was waved up to the microphone. After stifling a cry, Malik asked why everyone was cheering and begged for someone to please rescue her from being held captive by terrorists.
"Haha! And she has a sense of humor too. What a girl!" said Burnham, taking back the microphone. "Thanks for the inspiration and the laughs. Cheers!"
At publishing time, Burnham had awarded Britain's "Peacemaker of the Year" award to a group of terrorists who had switched to using knives for their attacks instead of guns.
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