Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has gained an impressive following in recent years. Now, on the heels of his commentaries on the Bible, Dr. Peterson has turned his attention to critiquing beloved children's books.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following exclusive excerpts of Dr. Peterson reviewing classic children's tales. Check out what ol' JP has to say about some of your child's most cherished stories:
- The Very Hungry Caterpillar — "The heroic protagonist of this epic fable is an archetype for radical self-determination as made manifest in the insect's drive to shed the confines of his former, weaker self and rise above the grub-world of his peers and gain the skills needed to excel in a fallen world."
- Go, Dog, Go! - "There is a certain, Mephistophelian property behind the desire to sacrifice the individual to the mob, even under the guise of a canine hat party. Encouraging a dog to join the party atop the tree risks hiding the truth within the mob, a soulless idea that has people, or dogs in this case, firmly in its clutches. Also, dogs should not bloody drive."
- The Gulag Archipelago — "Every child will love this sobering revelation that the capacity to do horrific evil dwells in the soul of every man."
- Are You My Mother? — "When a newborn bird leaves the order and structure, let's say, of his nest in search of the missing feminine influence he needs in order to stay out of trouble, he enters the world, which is an absolute veil of tears he sure as h-ll isn't bloody ready for. And it's not clear yet whether his mother is really real, or whether she exists only as a hyper-reality of the archetypal mother who offers her son to be destroyed by the world. And he's going to face catastrophes and failures in his journey because we bloody well know the cow isn't his mother! The chicken isn't his mother! Well, who is his mother? That's a d-mn good question!"
- The Little Engine That Could — "This little engine refuses to be victimized by the world and the fact that he was dealt a raw hand and overcomes the hill, which represents the dark chaos that surrounds all of us and is barely being held back by the precious and fragile barriers erected by our forebears. Also, he's a train, and trains are neato."
- Green Eggs and Ham — "A profound exploration of our resistance to change and the transformative power of experiencing the unknown. The protagonist's reluctance to even try the eponymous green eggs and ham illustrates his confinement to a prison of his own making. Only by trying the green eggs and ham does he break free and find true personal growth."
- Goodnight Moon — "A sobering tale about the comfort of routine and the inevitability of death. The act of saying goodnight to the moon can be seen as a connection to the natural world and a reminder of our place in the universe. It represents an acknowledgment of the larger cosmos and our role within it. Though night will eventually fall for all of us, it is up to us to say 'goodnight' to our worldly possessions and find importance and purpose in the life we have."
- If You Give A Mouse A Cookie — "Well there's a real problem here, bucko, as we see the mouse's attitude of victimization and entitlement threaten to obscure his search for the profound and noble and instead cause him to only focus on himself and his misguided quest for something to go with the cookie, namely, milk, which represents the fruit of the Garden of Eden with which the snake tempted Eve, bringing her knowledge of good and evil and along with that all the horrors of modernity. Also, the cookie isn't carnivore."
Powerful, powerful stuff. After reading such insightful reviews, you'll never see storytime with your kids the same ever again, bucko!
NOT SATIRE: Fueled by the wokest keyboard warriors around, Kirk Cameron has again partnered with BRAVE Books to release a brand new children's book on the topic of loving your enemy. Let's just say the Twitter haters became Kirk's motivators. All their vicious tweets pushed Kirk to help teach the next generation what it means to love your enemies. Just take a look at some of these comments: "Rather have drag queens read to my children" (John F.), "Anything for attention right @KirkCameron? I see you're finally growing a little facial hair too" (O.), and "You disgust me, you horrible vile person" (Shanna B.). And even, "Does your wife know you're gay?" (Johnny W.).
These Twitter trolls sought to break Kirk's spirit but this only inspired him to work harder and harder on this brand-new children's book with BRAVE Books. It's called The Fox, the Fair, and the Invention Scare and it teaches kids how to love their enemies! Think twice before going after the GOAT and find out how to get your copy today for FREE at bravebooks.com!
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.