ATLANTA, GA—The typically serene Atlanta skyline suddenly transformed into a scene out of a horror film Tuesday morning, as an enraged, 600-foot-tall Andy Stanley went on a rampage of destruction through the city, crushing every church of less than two hundred members he could find.
According to survivors of the attack, the towering, hulking Stanley slowly and menacingly marched down the 85 interstate, stopping to unleash his fury on every non-megachurch along his path, as cars and screaming civilians scrambled to get out of his way.
Picking up one tiny Baptist church on the north side of downtown Atlanta with ease, the colossal-sized Stanley took a deep, booming breath and blasted the small white building with what appeared to be fire-breath, leaving nothing but ashes as Stanley let out a mighty roar, his appetite for destruction having been momentarily satiated.
“So stinkin’ selllffffiiiiissssshhhhh!” he was heard bellowing during the attack.
But Stanley’s rampage wasn’t finished yet. Moving through the downtown district and proceeding south along the interstate, the giant megachurch pastor’s eyes began to radiate with a glowing red color just before he unleashed dozens of searing heat blasts at every small church within his field of vision, cackling maniacally.
Finally, Stanley slowly marched away from the city and disappeared over the southern horizon. He is still considered at large, and the National Guard is reportedly advising all smaller churches to be on the lookout.