The Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics have begun! Elite athletes from all over the globe have descended upon China to find out who will have the honor of being blacklisted for suggesting China is a dictatorship that is actively committing genocide. We haven't seen an Olympiad this tense since Jesse Owens beat Adolf Hitler in a foot race back in 1936.
To make matters more complicated, several new events have been introduced to take advantage of the Chinese locale.
Here are just a few of the new games Beijing is adding to the mix this year:
1) Uyghur Luge: Competitors slide down the side of a mountain on a live Uyghur prisoner. Radical!
2) Uyghur Biathlon: Exactly like the standard Ski and Shoot Biathlon, but you shoot Uyghurs.
3) Competitive Virus Making: A competitor from Wuhan is the current favorite.
4) Men's Cross Country Lab Leak: A companion event to Competitive Virus Making. Athletes are judged on time and plausible deniability.
5) iPhone Factory Roof Diving: Featuring celebrity judge Tim Cook of Apple!
6) Social Credit Scoring: But if you lose you get shot.
7) Winnie the Pooh Lookalike Competition: This is just one part of a larger Pooh Triathalon. Features a honey eating contest and slalom race.
8) Mixed Doubles Soup Rationing: Male and female teammates see how long they can make one bowl of soup last between them. Points are deducted for dying.
9) Women's Vanishing Tennis: A variant on mixed couples. But you get shot.
10) Synchronized Censorship: Work in harmony to make popular Hollywood films even better!
11) Men's Snowboard: It's like waterboarding, but with snow.
12) Women's Downhill Sterilization: Not to be confused with Women's Sterilization Jump.
13) Bobsled Across Border To Freedom: It's like the standard bobsled event. But you get shot.
14) Kneeling Before President Xi (On Ice!): Half figure skating, half oppression, all fun!
15) Men's Short Track Celebration Of The Centenary Of The Great And Glorious Chinese Communist Party Looking Toward The Bright Prospects For The Rejuvenation Of The Chinese Nation: But you get shot.
Enjoy the games!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
