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You're a worship leader, which means you have the most important job in the entire church. Don't screw it up, or the whole church service will be ruined and everyone will drive home after the service talking about how "cringe" you were. No pressure!
To make sure your worship experience is filled with the maximum amount of authentic, unmanufactured, Spirit-driven holiness, follow these pro tips from the worship experts at the Babylon Bee.
1) Spend ten minutes before each song painstakingly explaining the correct way to posture your heart: After ten minutes, they will be DESPERATE to worship!
2) Tell everyone to close their eyes for silent reflection so you can make frantic hand signals to the sound guy: "No! Turn it OFF! Judy's mic needs to be turned OFF! And a little more of me in the mix, please."
3) Play the pastor's favorite song again, even though it's kind of dorky: He's got a tough job, bro. It's the least you can do.
4) Play the full highland bagpipe intro for songs by Keith & Kristyn Getty in an authentic kilt: "In Christ Alone" just hits differently when you're wearing a green kilt.
5) Ad-lib a 20-minute prayer during the instrumental section: It's essential that this prayer be filled with as much nonsense - and uses of the phrase "Father God" - as possible.
6) If you lose your place or forget the words, just back away from the mic and close your eyes with feigned worshipful sincerity: Wow! Look how overcome with emotion you are!
7) Eat a bat: Hey - it worked for Ozzy!
8) Smash your guitar during the 17th bridge of "Oceans": Looks cool, and you never have to play "Oceans" again.
9) Reward the decent backup singers by letting them put batteries in their mics: And if they're really good, you can even turn them on in the mix.
10) Keep everyone on their toes by acting like you're about to sing the chorus and just singing the bridge one more time: Ope! Gotcha!
If all else fails, just tell everyone to turn in their hymnbooks and sing "Amazing Grace" a capella. Can't go wrong there!
NOT SATIRE: The world around us is running from the truth. Now, more than ever, we need firm biblical foundations that our families and churches can rely on - deep patterns of worship that root our identity in God rather than the cultural fads we face every day.
This Sept. 5-7, join modern hymn writers Keith & Kristyn Getty at Sing! Christ Our Hope in Life and Death for three days of transformative worship, theologically rich teaching, and 50+ workshop-style breakout sessions that will practically shape how your family and your congregation worship on Sundays and throughout the week!
Sing with thousands and hear from:
- Keith & Kristyn Getty
- John Piper
- Joni Eareckson Tada
- D. A. Carson
- Shane & Shane
- Conrad Mbewe
- And dozens more!
Judges at a school spelling bee are stumped and infuriated when a child dares to ask them for a definition of the word “woman.”