Brought to you by: Mayflower Cigars
Women are mercurial, and every husband knows how challenging it can be to remain the object of a wife's attention and adoration. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has solved this universal riddle and put together the following list of things that all wives will find irresistibly sexy:
Surprise her by inviting all your buddies over to eat dinner and watch football: Nothing excites a woman quite like feeding unexpected guests.
Let her spend the evening watching you play Call of Duty: Wives go crazy seeing their husbands hit headshot after headshot.
Use a chainsaw to cut the end off your cigar: She will instantly swoon with desire.
Draw her a nice, relaxing dish soap bubble bath: She'll be amazed you knew her favorite scent.
Show her how to calculate WHIP and ERA stats in baseball: If there are two things women go crazy for, it's math and sports.
Wear something sexy to bed, like an orange hunting vest: Ladies can't restrain themselves when they see that shade of neon.
Run full-speed into a brick wall so your face will look more like Benedict Cumberbatch: Apparently, this is what women find attractive.
Show her how you can eat an entire ribeye without using your hands: Her pure, unadulterated animal instincts will take over from there.
Lick all the ice cream out of your bowl so you can put it back in the cabinet without her having to wash it: Sometimes it's the little things that show her how much you love her.
Write her a love letter using dwarf runes: Any night instantly becomes more romantic once someone has to bust out some Tolkien for translation purposes.
They're all effective, but use the items on the list with discretion. Be prepared to have to fight her off for the rest of the night. Have any other surefire suggestions? Tell us in the comments.
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