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Are you having trouble getting your fallout shelter in order in time for the brisk nuclear winter that is certainly coming? Have no fear--we at The Babylon Bee are experts in doomsday prepping!
Use this list to ensure you have everything you need:
1) A ten-year supply of Goya Beans and a lead-lined MyPillow: Both are on sale. Don't delay, act now!
2) A shotgun with a chainsaw attachment: Every bunker needs at least one.
3) A KJV Bible: You can't get to heaven without an authorized 1611 KJV!
4) Pocket English-Russian Dictionary: Есть только два пола.
5) Tuttle Twins Books: Might have a better shot of building back better with these books for reference.
6) A scalpel in case your gender changes: You don't want to be caught without a life-saving gender transition kit.
7) Laminated vaccine card and spare masks: Don't forget, we're in a pandemic!
8) All 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica: If humanity ends, at least you'll be able to enjoy mankind's crowning artistic achievement.
9) Solar panels to combat global warming as we rebuild civilization: Don't you care about the climate?!
10) All of Obama's memoirs: They are very effective at knocking out intruders.
NOT SATIRE: Help stop the next war by sharing the ideas of peace and liberty to the next generation with the Tuttle Twins books.
The Tuttle Twins children's book series is teaching the rising generation about the ideas of freedom, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history.
It costs roughly $10 to print and distribute one copy of the Tuttle Twins. Our goal is to raise $10,000 from Babylon Bee readers.
Author, Tuttle Twins
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.