WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark bipartisan vote, the U.S. House of Representatives has voted to protect every country in the entire world, as long as that country isn't named the United States.
"Huzzah! We've done it!" Exclaimed Democrats and Republicans as they tearfully hugged each other. "Every single nation on the planet can enjoy the total protection of the United States military! Except the United States. We didn't have time to add that to the bill. Maybe later."
The representatives then joyfully called their defense lobbyist donors to tell them the happy news.
"We are proud to fulfill our sacred duty to all the nations everywhere," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "Our military now stands at the ready to protect Brazil, India, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, Egypt, Mexico, Nigeria, Russia, Italy, Argentina, France, Turkey, South Africa, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Vietnam, Philippines, Pakistan, South Korea, Bangladesh, Colombia, Poland, Ukraine, Netherlands, Iraq, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland, Israel, Portugal, Norway, Austria, United Arab Emirates, Malaysia, Venezuela, Nepal, Greece, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, New Zealand, Singapore, Romania, Chile, Algeria, Morocco, Peru, Ecuador, Angola, Sudan, Tunisia, Bolivia, Afghanistan, Yemen, Mozambique, Syria, Cambodia, Zimbabwe, Jordan, Rwanda, Somalia, Haiti, Madagascar, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Serbia, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Slovenia, Kosovo, Georgia, Uruguay, Paraguay, Papua New Guinea, Libya, Qatar, Kuwait, Oman, Bahrain, Trinidad and Tobago, Mauritius, Fiji, Cyprus, Luxembourg, Malta, Iceland, Maldives, Brunei, Guyana, Suriname, and Djibouti."
"Did I leave anyone out? Hm... no, I think that's everyone that matters."
At publishing time, an amendment to add the United States to the bill was shot down.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
