CAMBRIDGE, MA — Despite the heavy controversy caused by her responses to questions regarding antisemitism on campus while testifying before Congress, Harvard has confirmed that Claudine Gay will stay on as University Führer.
"We remain steadfastly loyal to our dear leader," the Harvard University board said in a collective statement. "While the last few weeks have been a difficult time, she has inspired all of us to press on toward the goal of creating a great and glorious Harvard, free of any pollution or impurity. Heil Claudine Gay! Harvard Über Alles!"
Gay has fought back against allegations of antisemitism and plagiarism in recent weeks, surviving widespread calls for her firing or resignation. "Nein nein nein nein nein!" Gay shouted while pounding on the podium after being asked if she would resign due to the scandal. "Our university faculty has never been more united than it is this day! We all share in the great struggle to advance our noble cause! We will not be deterred! We will not be defeated! Long live a great and glorious Harvard!"
Despite public outcry, the school's board expressed its unanimous support for Gay. "Never in our school's history have we had such strong leadership," the board's statement said. "With Claudine Gay as Harvard University Führer, we will reach new heights and the greatness of our school has no bounds!"
At publishing time, Gay also announced the creation of a new Sigma Sigma fraternity for students to instill a greater level of pride and passion in the school's students.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
