TUCSON, AZ — Former police officer Derek Chauvin was charged with yet another appalling atrocity today after allegedly assaulting a fellow inmate's shiv with his body while serving time for the 2020 death of George Floyd.
"The sheer heinous monstrosity of this man is disturbing," said Federal Correction Institution spokesman Greg Albertson. "According to information we were given by the victimized inmate, Mr. Chauvin stubbornly stood in the way of this gentlemen's crudely made prison shiv. Mr. Chauvin then repeatedly leaned his body into the shiv without the shiv's consent. We are currently taking disciplinary measures against Mr. Chauvin and pursuing additional criminal charges."
Chauvin is serving simultaneous sentences for civil rights violations and second-degree murder. A fellow inmate at the facility claimed to have witnessed Chauvin's brutal attack on the shiv. "Dude has no right to get in the way of a shiv like that," said convicted felon "Sneaky" Pete Ramirez. "That man's shank was just minding its own business and doesn't need some evil white man imposing his privilege. It's just wrong."
Though Chauvin was listed as being in serious but stable condition, officials at the prison vowed to do whatever would be necessary to keep him in harm's way. "He may have survived his assault on the shiv," said Albertson, "but the American public can rest assured he won't get away with this."
At publishing time, the prison was preparing to move Chauvin to the most dangerous section of the facility for his own safety as soon as he recovered from his injuries.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
