LONDON — Unassuming British citizen Oliver Blibbensby III barely survived a run-in with a group of knife-wielding Muslims after being forced to resort to finger guns for self-defense.
"Pew! Pew! You're quite dead, my Mohammedan chap!" witnesses heard Blibbensby yell. But the Muslims were impervious to his claims that they were "dead" and therefore not allowed to stab him. He was later transported to the hospital with multiple stab wounds.
Witnesses confirm that several other Britons attempted to defend Blibbensby with their own finger guns, with one younger child even using a finger bazooka, but the Muslims were invincible.
"Some great evil grants strength to these creatures," observed Xavier Peasley Cobbspebble, a local Englishman, as he sipped tea while watching his colleagues be murdered. "It is unthinkable that finger guns could fail us, in this, our most desperate hour."
Police Constable Peregrine Hickinbottom confirmed that Blibbensby is in critical condition. "We are not sure why the finger guns didn't work," he reported. "They may have jammed, which can sometimes happen. Or, more likely, there was a language issue. Finger guns don't work if your attacker doesn't know when they've been 'shot' and have to play dead. It's not fair, but it is what it is. We must keep a stiff upper lip."
The British parliament is calling on native-born citizens to be more understanding of the plight of immigrants who don't know it's not nice to ignore finger guns and stab people. "They are refugees who are fleeing war-torn territories. If they don't react properly to finger guns, that's not their fault. Just let them stab you and move on with your day," the Prime Minister said in a statement.
At publishing time, Oliver Blibbensby III was conscious and sitting up. He has apologized for his violent use of finger guns and will support a full government ban. "Maybe if I hadn't used finger guns I would have been stabbed less," he said. "It's really all my fault. I don't know what to say. I'm quite embarrassed."
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