JERICHO — Local tax collector Zacchaeus is insisting he has been represented by several local news accounts as being "of short stature" when he's actually 5' 7", which is pretty close to the median height for males.
According to Zacchaeus, he's not actually short at all, because his height is really, really almost the average for Israelite men.
"Short stature? That's ridiculous!" Zacchaeus explained for the fifth time to reporters he had invited to his house. "I daresay most guys would have had to climb a sycamore tree to see over that crowd. It would actually be weird if someone had been tall enough to see over everyone else. I'm not short — I'm actually just on the cusp of being the median height for men. Stop laughing, guys."
Eyewitnesses say that Zacchaeus is wrong.
"I know he likes to pretend he's not short, but he is," said Jonah Bar Issachar. "Most of the men around here are at least 5' 9" nowadays. Only a wee little man would have to climb a tree to see the Lord, if you ask me. He's a wee little man, and a wee little man is he."
"It's hard for us to talk about sometimes," said Zacchaeus' wife, who is 5' 10". "He's always going on about how there are men who are actually shorter than he is. It really bugged him when we had to get a stool for the kitchen."
At publishing time, Zacchaeus had denied claims of wearing platform shoes to reach 5' 7".
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