SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom announced this week he had selected recently-deceased Senator Dianne Feinstein's replacement by throwing a dart at a board full of pre-selected photos of black lesbian women.
"We had binders full of black lesbian women we were just waiting to use," Governor Newsom told reporters. "I really didn't know much about them other than they were, of course, black, and also lesbian. This one, what's her name? Lalapalooza or something? Yeah, whatever. She's fine."
Newsom was seen staring at a large board in his office put together by staffers displaying dozens of photos of black lesbian women before turning around and launching a dart over his shoulder. Without looking back he told his staff he was happy with his pick.
"I think she lives in Maryland or something but whatever. What are my constituents gonna say?" Newsom said. "Does she have any political experience? Is she qualified? Is this going to turn into another Kamala Harris or Ketanji Brown Jackson situation? Maybe. But this one's super pro-abortion and I hear that's polling well with Californians these days…at least the ones who still live here."
Newsom's choice, fundraising mogul and abortion-enthusiast Laphonza Butler, told reporters she's thrilled to represent the great state of California and plans on Googling what a senator does first thing tomorrow morning.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
