NEW YORK, NY — In a concerning new report, experts said that America is still just as unprepared today for a giant monkey climbing skyscrapers as we were back in 1933.
According to detailed disaster preparedness data, America has done almost nothing to brace for a giant great ape clambering up skyscrapers in major metropolitan areas and swatting at airplanes, despite having nearly a century to get ready.
"We'd just get caught completely flat-footed if the same thing happened again," confessed Mark Sigrund, a city director in New York. "You look at places like Chicago, Los Angeles, even Atlanta — there's just no way that we have an infrastructure in place to stop a giant gorilla from getting on top of a high-rise and causing a ruckus. Preparedness is still really lacking here."
The extensive study showed that residents of major American cities remained shockingly uninformed about the dangers of giant monkeys getting up onto tall buildings while clutching a screaming woman in one hand.
"It doesn't happen that often, does it?" asked Gary Bromson, a Chicago native. "I mean, I've never really spent any time thinking about it. You'd think the government would have protocols in place to deal with things like that after the first time."
Experts warned that giant monkeys climbing the nation's skyscrapers could bring America to a catastrophic end if officials don't get their act together.
At publishing time, a follow-up study from Japan showed a similar shortfall in disaster preparedness for potential events involving giant dragon-dinosaur-lizards emerging out of the sea to destroy Tokyo.
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