MIAMI, FL — A newly christened golden statue of President Donald Trump may have healing powers, as sources confirmed a woman who had touched it was miraculously healed of her liberalism.
Danielle Owens, a local Starbucks barista and brownie connoisseur, reportedly approached the statue to deface it. However, a sudden change of heart appeared to take hold of her as she came under its shadow.
"Once its shadow passed over me, I felt a very powerful urge to touch it," Owens recounted. "After my hand made contact with Colossal Don's shiny gold shin, I was cleansed of all liberalism."
Owens, who had been carrying a red spray paint can in her backpack, which she intended for tomfoolery, appeared to quickly discard the can on the ground — confidently littering for the first time in years.
"All of a sudden, I no longer cared about the environment," she said. "In an instant, in the blink of an eye, I had become a fiscal conservative holding to moderate social policies and an overall commitment to the freedom of the individual."
Witnesses were reportedly stunned by the apparent transformation. "She came in chanting 'Death to Trump' and left demanding a third term," recalled one golfer. "I still don't know what to think."
At publishing time, men across the country had begun taking their wives for pilgrimages to touch Colossal Don.
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