SANTA MONICA, CA — According to sources, a local vegan Crossfitter cyclist has become increasingly frustrated in his social life because he never knows what to tell people about first.
Jonathan Patrick, a local vegan who spends all of his waking hours doing CrossFit and cycling, said he freezes when talking to people because he never knows which of his obsessions he should share first. "It is vitally important that people know I am a cyclist, but also that I'm a vegan and do CrossFit," Patrick said. "I have hours of material to cover about each thing, and they are all equally significant. It's a real conundrum."
Patrick has tried various tactics, such as playing a recording of himself talking about CrossFit while telling friends about being vegan, but has not been pleased with the results. "It divides their attention, which is unacceptable when I am talking about being vegan," said Patrick. "I also worry that they fail to understand the core of what CrossFit is all about. Honestly, I really envy people who are just cyclists or whatever. They only have one thing they have to talk about."
Friends and family have repeatedly tried to tell Patrick it didn't matter what he talked about first because no one wanted to listen anyway.
At publishing time, Patrick had became intolerant to gluten, giving him yet another thing to talk about with people.
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