NASHVILLE, TN - Only a few minutes after the verdict was read in the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, conservative media company The Daily Wire announced they have uncanceled the now infamous celebrity and signed a contract with her for several new movies and shows.
"Cancel culture is out of hand, but The Daily Wire is striking back," said CEO and grooming product salesman Jeremy Boreing. "The mainstream media thought they could destroy the career of this brilliant and charming woman, but Hollywood's loss is our gain. Take THAT, woke Hollywood!"
According to sources, Heard will star in her own podcast as well as three new Daily Wire-produced sequels to The Hyperions.
"I'm... so grateful... to be a part... of the Daily Wire team," said Heard, pausing unnaturally several times and making odd facial expressions as she spoke before snorting a line of cocaine. "I'll really try not to crap the bed on this opportunity."
At publishing time, Heard had already alleged abuse and harassment by Ben Shapiro.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
