WASHINGTON, D.C. — Witnesses looked on in horror as President Trump commandeered an excavator from outside the White House and began heading for the Capitol.
"I'll show you a king!" shouted Trump as he began tearing down the door. "Don't worry, no one's in there working, believe me. Some of us have to keep working right through the shutdown, but not these people. They're all on vacation, all wandering around pumpkin patches while your favorite President keeps working. That's okay, I'll have this all made into a new hotel before they even get back."
Onlookers stated that Trump expertly operated the excavator, obviously skilled and experienced with the machinery. "This is clearly not his first time running an excavator," said local man Josh Simmons. "He had the whole entry way torn up in minutes. Really impressive stuff."
After demolishing the Capitol, Trump then reportedly headed for the Lincoln memorial.
"You're going down, Abe!" shouted Trump as he wrenched the excavator into gear. "I'm no one's second favorite President. You know how many people were there for your little 'Gettysburg Address'? Such an embarrassing crowd, and they build a giant statue for the guy. Terrible. Get ready for a little swim in Reflecting Pool, big fella."
At publishing time, Trump had refueled and was reportedly heading for Chicago and the Obama Presidential Library.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
