WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anguished gobbles were heard throughout the Beltway this morning, after news broke that President Donald Trump would be executing all the turkeys pardoned by former President Joe Biden's autopen.
Though the annual pardoning of turkeys by the sitting president has been a frequent tradition for generations, the pardons granted to turkeys during the Biden administration were determined to have been illegitimate due to being signed via autopen without the president's knowledge. IN turn, President Trump gave an immediate order to execute the birds.
"Fake pardons! Off with their heads!" Trump loudly proclaimed as administration staffers lined the turkeys up outside the White House for their ceremonial executions. "We live in a country with laws. Without our laws, we don't have a country. These turkeys were not legally pardoned because Crazy Joe Biden had no idea what was going on. A pardon signed by an autopen is not a real pardon. Therefore, it is my duty to carry out justice as it was originally intended. Line ‘em up."
Several turkeys, many of which had been tracked down on their home farms elsewhere in the country, were apprehended and transported back to Washington, D.C., where Trump was prepared to personally serve as judge, jury, and executioner. "I swing a mean axe," Trump told reporters. "We made sure it's sharp. We don't want to be cruel, folks, but justice is justice. I can assure all of these turkeys that they will be very delicious."
At publishing time, a federal judge had ordered the turkeys' decapitated heads to be reattached immediately.
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