WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old. He was joined by Dutch farmers, Canadian truckers, and those who would carry the banner of freedom unto death.
According to witnesses, there suddenly upon Capitol Hill appeared a rider, clad in white, shining in the rising sun. Behind him, hastening down the long slopes of the National Mall, were a thousand farmers and truckers; steering wheels and gear shifts manipulated with the ingenuity of patriots.
"Behold the White Rider!" cried Ted Cruz.
Rep Thomas Massie was encouraged but skeptical. "This is wizardry indeed! Come, I would look upon this ere the spell changes."
"Take heart, friend!" said Sen Rand Paul. "Dawn is ever the hope of men!"
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer shut their eyes against blinding light and covered their ears before the might of Trump's highly articulate cries as they were driven back to the shadow. Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was not at the Capitol but seemingly dropped dead in horror when she later watched the event unfold on the news.
Once the Capitol Building was secured, members of Congress stepped out into the light of Trump and were cleansed of the stain of corruption. The hope of men was restored and the great evil that once reigned was held back yet another day.
At publishing time, Trump announced a new round of stimulus checks and COVID shots for everyone.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
