WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address to GOP supporters on Friday, President Donald Trump outlined a bold strategy to rally conservative voters ahead of the upcoming midterm elections by launching a brand-new foreign war.
Though recent polls indicated the Republicans could face significant losses to Democrats in November, Trump said starting a new war in Cuba or the Middle East could be just what the party needs.
"Look, the polling numbers could be better, we all know it," Trump said. "But as we all know, nothing brings the country together like a brand-new, high-stakes military escalation in a country thousands of miles away. A big, beautiful war. With lots of bombs."
Trump pointed out that traditional campaign tactics like rallies and policy ads don't really move the needle fast enough, whereas a sudden geopolitical crisis offers immediate, bipartisan results.
"You look at the polling, and people love a wartime leader," Trump explained. "Especially if it's me. We start something fast, maybe over the weekend. A very powerful, very beautiful conflict. Completely destroy Cuba. Suddenly, everyone forgets about inflation and voters run straight to the ballot box."
Advisors reportedly scrambled to draft a shortlist of potential targets, focusing on nations with dramatic terrain and easily pronounceable names for television coverage.
At publishing time, congressional Republicans were reportedly reviewing polling data to determine whether invading a small island nation would yield higher turnout than making groceries more affordable.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
