PALM BEACH, FL — In a brilliant political maneuver designed to ensure he wins the election, former President Donald Trump said his position on abortion is whichever one will get him elected.
Though abortion has long been one of the most divisive issues in the nation, Trump deftly maneuvered himself into a position to simultaneously woo voters who will never support him and alienate portions of his most loyal base.
"My stance can't be any clearer," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "I am in complete and total agreement with each voter, whatever their individual view may be. If you believe abortion is murder, so do I. If you think there are cases in which it is acceptable, so do I. If you think there's nothing wrong with it, neither do I. As everyone can see, I feel very strongly about this issue. Strong convictions. The strongest. So strong. I am becoming all things to all people so that by all means I may get elected. MAGA!"
Staunch conservatives expressed outrage. "Really disappointing," said one Republican voter. "I'm shocked that a guy who wants to get elected would say things that are designed to broaden his appeal and minimize one of the most effective arguments his opponents have against him."
At publishing time, all disappointed Trump supporters had announced they would all still vote for Trump.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
